Untitled #5

[Side note #1: Blood is talked about. Also, bodily functions. You’ve been warned.]

I can’t think straight today. Words escape me and I feel like I can’t get a sentence out. My head really really hurts too much. Is it a migraine? Oh, god, I hope it isn’t a migraine. I need to schedule an appointment with my chiropractor. There’s too much going on here at work.  I feel bad and not myself.  I want to go home. My tummy hurts.

*Blink blink*

Oh, wait.

That’s not my tummy that’s hurting.  It’s my uterus.  Right.  I remember this feeling.  It’s been a while.  And truth be told, I’m glad that it’s returned.  It’s signaled a return to normalcy for my body after last month’s miscarriage.  Well, technically it’s been about six weeks.  It’s the last (first?) step in feeling like myself again.  It’s a feeling *right* now I don’t have to think about failed IVF cycles; did I wait too long; is this “the one”; expensive medications; where am I going to inject that drug;  how is this going to affect my life; chemical pregnancies; miscarriages; age; about fulfilling other people’s f’ing expectations of me and my body.  Are you in this marriage?  In this relationship?  No?  Then get the f’k out.  It doesn’t concern you.  Stop putting your’s and society’s expectations on me.

*Deep breathe, Charlie.*

*Deep breathe, Charlie.*

*Deep breathe, Charlie.*

Okay.

Sorry.  Since I got married almost a decade ago, every time I call my parents it’s the same conversation over and over again.

“Do you have anything to tell us?”

“No.”

Disappointment and a yawning silence comes from the other end.

After miscarrying Tadpole, I told them that I wouldn’t make a decision one way or another until the spring comes.  While I still think about it, it hurts less and less.  There are certain dates that won’t I can’t forget about:

  • Wednesday, September 24 (egg transfer day)
  • Friday, December 12 (the day that I found out that Tadpole was gone.)
  • Tuesday, December 16 (the day of the procedure)
  • Friday, June 12 (the day he would have been born)

Too many dates in my head to jettison out. It’s stuffed with everything else in there.

But you know what I completely forgot about?  The pain.  The blood.

I should be more thankful.  The cramps I go through aren’t nearly as debilitating as some of the horror stories that my friends tell me.  And really, I’ve had a dozen kidney stones.  Those, let me tell you, are *way* more painful than the cramps I get.  The last bout of kidney stones I had was about six years ago.  While I was in the emergency room, the attending physician told the urologist about the size of the stone.

“I just had to meet the person with the second largest kidney stone in my entire career!” were his first words to me.

I stared at him, with a dumb look on my face.  The morphine knocked me sideways.

“Okay,” was what I think I said.

My husband later went on to tell me that if I had waited I could have gone into septic shock.

Awesome.

But yes, the pain. I haven’t researched it but I like to think that after a miscarriage the period that comes is especially brutal. But I may be projecting and feeling more than just the physical pain of a period.

Oh, did I mention the blood? I forgot about all the blood. It riles my goat (and my goat is easily riled these days) when women are referred to as the “fairer” sex. Excuse me? Do you know that we bleed every f’ing month out of a place that would make most men pass out? When giving birth that same place widens to accommodate a fully formed human being??

Hmmm, yes. Blood. Must eat more meat. I lose a lot iron during this time. It tends me make a bit cranky.

So, you have those lovely people over at Daily Post for this prompt: embrace the ick. I didn’t do the prompt as suggested but took it on a different spin.

Also, I did read this post: Periodically…even though she warned me about it. I read it anyway. She does a fantastic job with her words. I just stab at the air and hope that my words land in some sort of coherent structure.

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7 thoughts on “Untitled #5

  1. Oh, dear. I can empathize with you. I, too, have experienced the pain (mental and physical) of miscarriage. It’s been many years and the pain has dulled, but still brings on the emotion when I think about it. I’m with you on the fairer sex BS: urinary tract infections, cramps (twice a month; aren’t I lucky?), kidney infections, monthly bleeding, etc., etc. I’m not a man basher, but I really don’t know many who could handle the constant barrage of stuff going on “down there” that is in no way pleasurable.

    I’ll be thinking of you.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Pingback: Stop breathing in my direction or else I’ll murder you. | Untitled, Unfinished

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